If someone had told me that this is where I’d end up, I don't know if I ever would have started this journey in the first place.
“01/18/22
[…] Now that others have seen a change and acknowledged the change, I don’t want to mess up. I don’t want to fail. But part of me thinks it’d be easier to fail now and go back to my old ways than fail later on.
It’s just a bad day. I’m tired. I don’t know where I’m going from here. I had a short term plan and now it’s time to think of a long term plan and I have no idea what I’m doing. I have no idea where I’m going. […]
4:01am 02/02/22
I’ve been avoiding writing because I’m afraid I’m going back to my old ways. I can’t fully go back to who I was because she is gone. She’s just a memory but my old habits linger. Those old habits tempt me and taunt me. It would be so easy to give in. I don’t want to but it’s so tempting. Who am I without the depression and anxiety? Who am I when I’ve said goodbye to the old me?
10:20pm 02/09/22
I don’t know what I’m doing. […] I feel like I’ve reached a dead end. Like I’ve gone as far as I can even though I’m no where near where I want to be. It’s like I’ve hit a plateau. I got the new job. I’m taking the meds. I’m seeing a therapist. […] But what else is there? Where do I go from here? I have no more short term plans. I’m back to survival mode. I’m taking it day by day but I have no idea what I want long term. […] Who am I without the depression and anxiety? […]
I thought things were getting better. I thought I was getting better. […]
I don’t know who I am anymore.
10:45pm 02/13/22
I didn’t take my pill today. I don’t know why. […]
Part of me really hates taking the pills. Part of me fully understands there is a chemical imbalance in my brain. Part of me fully understands that if I had some kind of infection I would take antibiotics with no shame. But the other part of me hates taking these pills. I hate it. I hate it. It makes me feel stupid. It makes me think I’m being dramatic because honestly my life really isn’t that bad. By all accounts I shouldn’t be depressed. My life is not that bad.
Those two versions of me I wrote about while in Honduras are still there. I thought they were working together now. It’s like they started to walk towards the light, that exit off the dark plane, hand in hand but then the dark version of me stopped in place, frozen. The other me was holding her hand so now both versions are frozen, caught in limbo between that dark expanse and the way out.
I’m at a stand still. I can’t go back but I have no idea how to keep moving forward. […]
11:36pm 02/19/22
I honestly don’t understand what is wrong with me. I don’t know why I feel so… I don’t know. Apathetic isn’t the right word. I like my new job. I love my manager. She and I get along great. […] The job pays well. I have full benefits. I have room to move up. I’m not working more than 5 days in a row. I’m not unhappy. Even living with my parents again isn’t as bad as I thought it would be.
And yet, at the end of the day, I don’t know what I’m doing. And I don’t know how to talk to anyone about it because I don’t even know how to explain it. I don’t want to let anyone down by letting them know I’m falling back. It’s like I was clawing my way up out of a black pit and all the sudden I’m starting to fall. Not a free fall, I’m still clinging to the muddy wall but that light from the exit is fading away instead of growing closer. It’s getting harder. The mud is caking under my nails and part of me is wondering if letting go will be better than slipping. Sometimes I wish there was someone at the top who could toss me a rope. But no one is there. There’s just me and the light at the top of the pit and the endless darkness looming behind me.
Apathetic wasn’t the right word. Lost. I still feel lost.
10:34pm 02/20/22
I don’t know how to be alone. I mean I love being alone but when I started this whole process there was a lot going on to distract me from the dark corners of my mind. But I’ve met my short term goals and now at the end of the day, no matter how good of a day it was, I’m alone with my own thoughts. […]
11:42pm 02/21/22
I don’t feel like I’ll ever be good enough. I feel like I’ve been lying to myself during this whole process. It doesn’t matter what I do. It doesn’t matter how much I try or how much I “work” on myself. I’ll never be good enough. […]
The bottom of the pit is yawning itself wide open, waiting for me to fall. Part of me wonders if there’s any point in fighting it.
I think some people are destined to be alone. The side characters that help those in our lives who are the main characters. […] I am a side character. […]
12:39am 03/09/22
I don’t want to do this anymore. I feel like I keep taking 10 steps backwards. Everything is going to shit and I don’t know how to stop it. I’m turning 29 in less than a month and the idea of being in Oklahoma is bad enough I start to have a panic attack. But I don’t know how to get away.
[…]
I’m gonna be stick in Oklahoma with no friends on my birthday and that alone makes me want to crawl under a rock […]
I’m never had a good birthday but honestly I can already tell that this year will be the worst. I’ve never dreaded my birthday this much.
[…]
11:16pm 03/23/22
[…]
I got control over my mental health for what? What was the purpose? I’m still unhappy. I’m still lost. I still have no idea what to do with my life. I’m still alone. I still fuck up every relationship in my life. I think I’m standing up for myself but apparently I’m still just being a […] shitty friend.
[…] My therapist tells me I deserve better but when I try to use my voice to demand respect and to not be walked over […] I’m left feeling alone, feeling like an idiot, and feeling like new me is wrong and I should have kept my mouth shut.
[…] And I don’t know what to do. I’m tired of the empty promises. I’m tired of being hurt. I’m tired of feeling like a burden. […] I’m tired of not being heard when I share my feelings. […]
I deserve better. I deserve respect. […]
But I’m so tired of being hurt. […]
10:04pm 04/06/22
My birthday was even worse this year than I thought it would be. I wasted money on an AirBnb with a hot tub just so I wouldn’t have to be in Oklahoma. I spent my birthday alone and drunk. No birthday cake, no candles.
[…]
It’s been a long month […] Some good and some bad has happened but it’s like I don’t have anyone to talk to except my therapist. I feel so alone. I don’t know how to open up to anyone without being a disappointment.
I feel like I’m back in survival mode. The last couple months have been hard but I don’t know how to pull myself out of this.
11:43pm 04/21/22
It feels like everything is falling apart. Not like in a sense that I can’t handle it falling apart. But like I thought I was getting better but in reality I’m not and yet again I’m finding myself alone and unhappy and stressed because nothing I do will ever be good enough. No matter how much I work on myself, my mental health or my physical health, I will never be good enough.
I’m tired. I’m so tired. And I’m angry. Not in the sense that I want to blow up but in the sense that it’s not fair. What was the point? I tried so hard to work on myself and I thought I was getting better but life still sucks […]
I hated the old me so much but I don’t think the person I’m becoming is any better.
[…]
All I do now is work, stress about money, try to read but I can’t even enjoy that […]
2:55am 04/22/22
[…]
I think I’m having a panic attack.
[…]
I was wrong. I can go back to the old me. She was just waiting for the perfect moment to strike. She never wanted me to get better.
[…]
1:45am 04/23/22
I spent 2 and 1/2 hours on the phone with Jen. […] This hurts. I don’t know what to do. This isn’t what I wanted. I just wanted to work things out. […]
I know I’m partly to blame. I could have done better, been better. But I deserved more too. I deserved better too.
I feel so lost right now. I feel so hopeless. Maybe time will heal this wound but it’s going to take a very, very long time. And it hurts to think this is all one sided. […] I don’t want to move on.
[…]
[It} hurt me but I burned the bridge. I did exactly what I didn’t want to do. I lashed out. I felt like I had been backed into a corner with no way out.
[…]
This was all a pipe dream. The old me was never going to give up or fade away. […]
11:40pm 04/26/22
I’m only in people’s lives for a season. That was fine with me at first. It was okay. It hurt but I always moved on. I handled it. I was okay with being alone.
[…] But there’s nothing I can do. […]
10:40pm 04/28/22
I pretend like everything is okay but it’s not.
[…]
10:05pm 04/29/22
[…]
I keep telling myself it’s going to be okay […]
I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep until it doesn’t hurt anymore.
[…]
I go to work and I feed my pets. I put on a smile with my family. I’m trying to put on a good face but […]
10:34pm 04/30/22
I haven’t taken my meds for two days now. I haven’t picked up the refill and I won’t be able to until Monday after work (today is Saturday) and I just don’t really care. It’s like I’m punishing myself. And I’m okay with that.
[…]
I know it’s not healthy. But I don’t want healthy right now. I can’t mourn, I can’t bring myself to mourn something I don’t want to lose so I’ll settle for my old friend: my depression.
10:43pm 05/01/22
I notice a difference without my meds. […] I feel myself slipping away and I don’t know what to do. I feel lost and alone. It feels hopeless. I feel defeated.
[…]
12:23am 05/03/22
I have a session with my therapist in the morning. Well in a few hours.
Everything is going to shit and I can’t even find it in myself to care. I hate that the meds actually make a difference. It’s like I’m not good enough on my own. Like I have to be doped up on a prescription to be an acceptable human being. But even then I wasn’t enough.
[…]
I’m dreading seeing my therapist tomorrow.
[…]
I don’t want to word vomit and confess how much progress I’ve undone but I also just don’t have the energy to lie.
[…]
10:15pm 05/04/22
I saw my therapist yesterday. I cried. I cried while I was driving to the appointment. She asked me how I’ve been and I choked up when I said it had been a long month. And then I proceeded to cry the entire session […]
She told me I’m grieving and I’m reacting in a normal way. I told her I just want to be depressed right now. I don’t want to try and process anything.
[…]
I told her I know I was falling back into my old habits of coping by being self-destructive but that’s my comfort zone. I want to be depressed right now. I know this can’t go on forever but I’m not ready to move on. […]
After I left her office I did pick up my meds but I still haven’t taken them. I went and got my septum pierced […]
This morning I went and had a session with my trainer. I then cleaned my room, cleaned the bathroom, washed my bedding, and the towels and rugs in the bathroom, vacuumed, cleaned the litter box, took out the trash, finally moved in my head board, took Kylo for a walk, did laundry, showered/shaved […]
I also watched a movie on Amazon. A guy and a girl are stuck reliving the same day over and over. Turns out it’s because the girl isn’t ready to say goodbye to her mother who’s dying of cancer. It’s only when she can learn to say goodbye that they break the time loop.
The irony was not lost on me.
I’ve basically been living the same day over and over. […]
10:43pm 05/05/22
[…]
I took my meds today. But it doesn’t matter. I was going to be upset today no matter what.
[…]
10:33pm 5/6/22
[…]
11:25pm 5/7/22
[…]
1:00am 5/9/22
[…]”
After my post about Honduras, I was told I should keep writing: everything I’m feeling, good or bad. The first several months I did have hard days but I was able to easily brush over them when writing a blog post. I was able to focus on the good and sprinkle in positive words to make the bad feelings not so ugly. But no matter how much you try to make it pretty, depression is still ugly.
I’ve always hated that about any books or movies or even self-help books. People try and make depression seem like it’s really not so bad. I did the same thing. I tried to make this journey pretty and perfect. And it’s just not.
I think because depression is so ugly, when we share what it actually looks like with others, it’s a very delicate and vulnerable thing. We don’t want people to pity us or all the sudden think they need to protect us from the ugly thoughts.
Depression isn’t just feeling sad and wanting to sleep all the time. And sharing the really ugly parts with others is terrifying. I cut out a lot of the more vulnerable and raw pieces from the above entries. Some things are just too private.
So, no, I don’t have any uplifting or positive words to sprinkle in here at the end of this post. As I wrote in my journal: I just want to be depressed right now. And while that isn’t exactly healthy, it’s realistic. It doesn’t mean I’m completely jumping ship and abandoning this journey. It’s a pause. And I think that’s okay for now.